So, well, I know it's been a while since I've been on this thing. Life, it's been crazy, and well, I've never been good with this.

But, if anyone is looking for me or whatever and I may be missing more than usual, it's because I got in a car accident about four hours ago.

I'm pretty much okay. Very bruised and I have a broken toe, but otherwise I'm good. The crash was not my fault, some guy came through his stop sign, and I t-boned his car. Quite possibly it was the long front end on my Mustang that saved me from worse injuries. But yeah, that's the deal. I just, you know, wanted to let you all know.

And well, I love you all. I don't want to go any longer not saying that. Because this was the single scariest thing in my life.

It's funny. Tonight I was told how much my brother's fiance admires me for my confidence, and the strong person I've become.

And yet--I can't even say what I'm thinking or going through to my family. Not really. Because we've always been close but I'm always the guarded of the bunch, in a way. I don't have chats with my Aunt like my sister or brother about relationships. I don't particularly like to rant and rave to them about things that bug me. And yet I know if I did, they'd listen.

I don't like the person I've become. I really don't and I don't know how to fix it.

This semester is the first time I can remember being truly unhappy for more than a couple of days. I've felt so--off. And part of it can be blamed on the wedding happening this weekend, but the majority is blamed on me, I know.

It's just--going back and forth and back and forth constantly has left me feeling so disjointed and, well, lost.

I've never felt lost before. I've always known where I belong somehow. But now--now, home doesn't feel quite right. And school certainly doesn't. Through a various string of events including my freaking out over my accidentally ruined laptop and my spending a night in the hospital after a night of upset drinking--separate events, neither night ones I feel like getting into particulars about at the moment. But it's definitely put this giant elephant in the middle of my room that we've been trying to ignore. And it's not that I want to ignore it--it's just, I don't know--I don't know what to say I guess. I've apologized and I just don't know what else there is. . .

And then there's the fact that I feel like a giant leech to my parents but I can't help it. All my money has gone into this wedding and coming home and I have none left. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get enough for Christmas. But--I don't know.

I don't know. I just wish things would make sense.

I had so much I was going to post--but I feel like I cried out the words, at least for today.

Today was just a crux for me--the absolute consummation of my crumbling to pieces.

This has been the semester from hell and it has nothing to do with classes. If I could just have classes, I'd live.

But--there's so much shit and I'm just too exhausted to write it now.

I will though. I just--I hate life so hardcore right now.

Sorry to anyone who I've ignored on here, it wasn't intentional.

I've been sort of meh as of late, mostly having a bit of a panicky feeling in my chest--like some odd weight crushing me.

I'm stressing over things that have yet to come and it's not good. But oh well.

I go back to school on the 29th and I'm incredibly excited. I really can't wait to go back and get back into a set routine every day, and hang with my lovely housemates.

I turn 21 on the 9th of September--which I can hardly believe really, but am excited for none-the-less.

I will finally have my own room here at home after tomorrow which is awesome and sucky at the same time really. Bah, writing about it is just going to make me feel more meh. Just time to stick to RPness and silly online games I joined out of boredom.

Busiest weekend ever.

Thursday Night into Friday Morning: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and bonfire with alcohol
Friday Night into Saturday Morning: Work then Dispatch concert at Madison Square Garden
Saturday: Work all day then sister's graduation party, more alcohol
Sunday: Work in 10 mins, then Sunday dinner with all the family, and then George's baseball game

To those who have been trying to reach me, I will try to get on tonight, and respond to whatever is waiting for me.

So my aunt let me take her scooter that was going unused and I've been riding it through the orchards for fun. Yesterday I saw seven foxes in the orchards, and found their den.

So today I went back with my camera, and took some pictures of one of them. Enjoy the cuteness, a bit image heavy!

( Foyx Loxy! )

Bah.

I may very well be spineless.

That or I don't like making people unhappy.

But I said I would meet this woman, who is the sister of a woman I've worked with for the past two years, to talk about babysitting her 5 year old son from 9 to 5 for $250 a week. But after I agreed, I realized that deal blows. So now I need to call her back and tell her that I can't take the job.

I plan on working at my aunt's and going through a temp agency. Because, I need money.

I just don't know the best way to say that. . .

Edit: And now I just found VMars is off the air--CW execs are huge idiots, and I no longer have reason to watch that channel.

There's more on the issue that has me so meh, but I'm trying to deal. I felt a little better today, so it's a start. Anyway, something mindless and fun amidst studying for my final tomorrow.

Post a response here, and I will:

1. Tell you why I friended you
2. Associate you with something - a song, a color, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Associate you with a character.
6. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7. Tell you my favorite user picture of yours.
8. In return, I ask you to post this in your LJ.

Note to Self

Do not do what you did last night/this morning ever again.

You need sleep. You really do. Sleep is your friend.

And you won't be able to sleep tonight, or tomorrow night. You will be up for close to three days because you are stupid.

Your heart is protesting from the caffeine in your system and you don't feel so hot any more now do you? No, you don't.

But you finally finished that 10 page paper despite all your procrastination. So good for you.

But remember, your mind and body hate you.

Please let yourself get lots of sleep on Friday. Lots and lots.

That is all.

( My Daemon )

Hm. Interesting.

So, I'm going to be getting a tattoo. After much thought, I know something I'd be fine with having on my body the rest of my life.

I want it on my foot, and now I just need to get the idea sketched out--or explain it so it can be sketched out since my computer imaging lack of skills aren't cutting it.

Anyway, this is a font style I like, so I want something similar: ( Tattoo font )

Tuam sequere naturam is Latin, and literally means seek your true nature--or be true to yourself, which is important to me. Anyway, I was thinking of either having vines twine through the letters and have a few flowers--my twin suggested roses--or underneath--or both. But yeah. I need to work on that.

Ever have a feeling like your carefully made plans suddenly don't seem as concrete as you had hoped and now you have no idea what you're doing?

If not, try to avoid it. It's a shitty feeling.

. . . what is it about me that makes everyone and their mom want to tell me secret or little known things and look for advice? Is there a sign hanging over my head or something?

Normally, I have no problem with this. I love listening to people and trying to help.

But when it is the guy I've been flirting with and crushing on in hopes of scoring some dates--and it's what he told me--then I have an issue with it.

So this guy, totally gorgeous and funny and nice and smart, and we've been flirting a good deal. He's an English major, and he coaches wrestling for middle school kids. We had a Shakespeare course together last semester and now have two english classes together this semester.

And this morning he decided to tell me about a dilemma he's having. There's this 31-year-old "hot" woman who is the mother of one of the kids he is coaching. Of course, all of the parents of the kids he's coaching have his cell phone number. Well, this woman send him a somewhat inapprope text message. Figuring he misunderstood, he sent back a clean text. Which prompted an even more clear-cut inapprope text. Well, he started texting back in the same way and it eventually got to a point where they agreed to have sex, but didn't. Now she won't stop sending him completely inapprope text messages, one that he showed me saying "at least you're legal" and "i'm going to rape you" and comes and sits in on practices. This guy is totally freaked out and finds his coaching has gone completely downhill because he can't concentrate.

Somehow, when he told me this, I managed not to gape at him and I haven't judged him over it. Like I told him, we all have lapses of judgement. I have a friend who last year got into a car with some 36-year-old musician, while she was only 18, and made-out with him under some bridge. So yeah, I know people make some dumb mistakes, and it's what you take from it that makes the difference.

So, I told him that he has to tell this woman that nothing can or will happen between them. He coaches her son and it's not right, especially since she's a 31-year-old mother who's still married to her husband and that her actions are not appreciated or wanted. He said he was going to tell her that stuff today, and said he was afraid he was going to continue to suck at coaching. I told him he's a person with the right personality for coaching, and that he just needs to end this and get rid of the distraction. Then he can focus on the coaching and put it behind him. He thanked me for the simple advice and told me he'd let me know what happens and keep me updated, call me and the like.

But honestly, I'm not sure I want him to. I like him, like really like him. Honestly, he's the first guy I liked up here at school, and actually made me forget about a couple of the guys from back home I've been hung up on. And I kind of don't want him to come to me with this stuff, come for advice. Because it means I'm seen as only a friend, and really I'm getting to a point where I have enough friends. I want something more than that.

Bah, I need to get back to work. First day working since last Thursday so there's a lot to do. I just needed to vent this because my friends are all either asleep or in class and I needed to get this out before I burst.

Fuck you Massachusetts and your damn DELINQUENCY NOTICE: Failure to Appear for Juror Service letter.

I never got a letter saying I had Jury Duty which means the Boston University mail system has screwed me over again.

And now I can't even call to straighten this out until Thursday because I can't call the damn numbers because they are outside my calling area!

Fuck Massachusetts and Boston University hard!

Do not drink that much rum punch. When you are swaying and feeling good, that does not mean pour another glass. Bad idea.

Because that leads to stumbling home with two guys friends in the snow--one sober and one in a similar drunken stupor, falling off the curb and smacking your head on the street, then once they have helped you up and gathered up your stuff, you continue walking and try to spin around a lightpost, and fall again to smack your head on the concrete.

Then your drunk friend finds a bumper on the side of the road and hoists it over his shoulder, and you decide to grab a traffic cone and walk with that on your head. Eventually you drop the sober friend off and the two of you stumble back into the house, somehow not waking your RA.

However, you do wake a bunch of people in the house, surely whether they have admitted to such or not, and your lovely friend from the triple on the second floor help guide you upstairs and carry your stuff.

Then, though you remember everything, things are a bit hazy in the order of going into the bathroom without turning the lights on, apparently standing too close to the 4th floor railing for comfort of friends, are changed from the clothes that were soaked from falling in the snow and into pjs, trying to jump into bed and rolling off, smacking your head on the floor. Then apparently a few more trips to the bathroom for potty breaks until you hop into bed again, your three friends and both roommates making sure you don't fall off and one roomie laying on top of you until you fall asleep.

And this isn't so bad, despite the hangover and the splitting headache and the bruises you keep finding all over, but bad in the fact that you are teased about it. And some teasing is fine, you deal. But then it reaches a point where you feel you can't deal, and it annoys you because you almost feel as though you are being painted as this funny alcoholic or something because you sometimes go to parties on the weekend.

Bah, I had so much fun Saturday night, and I don't regret it. But I am a bit bothered. Or something. I need sleep.

I want an iphone. Very, very badly.

Well, my Spring Break plans have changed slightly--the where and why and when are still the same. It's the how that has changed.

Come March 9th instead of flying, I will be driving down in my convertible to Florida with my twin brother and his girlfriend. We hope to leave at roughly 4 a.m. so we can arrive around Orlando by 8 p.m. that same day. There are three of us, and I feel between all of us--this is a feasible goal.

But, children, as you see it is going to be a very long ride. Roughly 16 hours. In a car. With my brother.

All I have to say is: his poor girlfriend.

But anyway, I realize that this may seem terribly far in advance but I figure it's best to get an early start on this--I am looking for any and all suggestions for road trip music for this 16 hour ride with my brother from New Jersey to Florida. I'd like to start now trying to put some stuff together so hopefully the two of us can agree. I may make posts like this periodically over the next few months, but, any suggestions now would be fantastic.

Lots of love!
-Ashley

Another fun New Year's with the cousins and siblings, and another New Year as the only single one of the group.

Which I didn't realize or get bothered by until everyone paired up for the bal drop.

Yeah, that sucks a bit. Especially since the last guy I was crushing all called me to wish me Happy New Year at 1:09am, and I promised to visit him at work even though last I heard he was back with his ex-girlfriend who had cheated on him.

Bah. Whatever.

I need to stop posting when drunk on beer, mohitos, and chocolate martinis. . . or just drunk.